If, like me, you often find yourself confused, then I'm afraid that there is no hope.

If, on the other hand, you merely often find yourself confused about the meaning of the latest R&B/Soul Diva Classic, I have help for you. Almost all of these songs match three templates, which I shall describe below.

They are:

I went out with a wanker
Everyone told me he was a wanker
He turned out to be a wanker
Blimey! I didn't see that coming.

or:

I hate you
Why don't I leave you?
I hate you
Why don't I leave you?
(repeat)

or, finally:

Got no cash?
Then piss off.

More of these handy guides to understanding the confusing world around us will be posted at irregular intervals.