You put in a lot of hard work. You saved up your pocket money for ages and ages, took your old fiesta and worked and worked on it until it is now a thing of such beauty and wonder that mere words are unable to describe it:

But still there's something missing. You're still just not quite able to convince yourself that what you're driving is actually a half-decent car.

WORRY NO MORE!

For now, there's the Turbo Noise Simulator!

Why go to all the bother of actually installing a turbo when you can just drop a big chunk of cash on a machine which goes “fshh”? Be the envy of all your friends!

I have formulated a theory; you can tell how hung over you are by your choice of listening material for the drive home.

Yesterday, mine was Gardener's Question Time. Make of that what you will.

Sometimes it's the small victories which help you get through the day. You've had a hell week, software rollout the previous weekend, major problems just before and a wave of bug fixes afterward. You're tired and fed up and desperate for a holiday, and that lottery win just keeps eluding you.

But then you drop the plastic cup into that six-hole recycle bin thingy and it doesn't touch the sides the whole way down.

YES!

Inspired by Bill Bailey's bit on Fifty Things To Do etc. (“Lunge wildly at the Pope!”) and a subsequent conversation with Paul about Fifty Dull Things, I thought I'd kick this one off with my five.

• Alphabetise your underwear.
• Watch the film “A.I.”. Dull, dull, dull.
• Individually number your back hairs. Ask a friend to help!
• Arrange your CD collection in order of whininess.
• The hoovering.

There are estate agents who will try to sell you flats in London. There are also estate agents who will try to sell you “Executive Apartments in the Heart of the City”.

How to tell the difference?

If it's a flat, there will be a picture of the building. If it's an “Executive Apartment”, the picture will be of the view.