Wonderful.

Posted by Simes at 12:53 am
Dec 212005

So I sent them this:

Why don’t you read emails from your customers?

and in return I got this:

Dear Customer

Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk.

I’m sorry we are unable to be more precise about the availability of
“Xbox 360 Console Deluxe Pack “. The message you received from us
reflects the best information from suppliers we have at this time. I
realise this may cause you inconvenience, and I hope you will accept
my apologies.

As soon we are able to obtain further supplies of this item, we will
certainly dispatch it as soon as possible. As previously mentioned,
we will contact you regarding the status of your order after each new
shipment of consoles is received from the vendor.

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.co.uk.

Warmest regards

Rajesh
Customer Service
Amazon.co.uk

Perfect, no?

Goddamazon redux.

Posted by Simes at 8:45 pm
Dec 202005

Wow. It’s like Deja Bloody Vuville over here. My third email to amazon was met with exactly the same response as my first one.

Goddamazon.

Posted by Simes at 1:58 am
Dec 202005

I sent another miffed email to amazon.co.uk re: the whole Xbox 360 saga. Here is their response:

Dear Customer

Thank you for contacting Amazon.co.uk regarding your order #(202-
4339224-5744634)

Once again, we are sorry that we are unable to be more precise about
the availability of the item “Xbox 360 Console”.

The message you have received from us reflects the best information
from the vendor we have at this time. We realise this may cause you
inconvenience, especially at this time of year, and we hope you will
accept our apologies.

As soon we are able to obtain further supplies of this item, we will
certainly dispatch it as soon as possible. As previously mentioned,
we will contact you regarding the status of your order after each new
shipment of consoles is received from the vendor.

We recommend that you *do not* make any changes to your order unless
absolutely necessary; following any modifications you make, our
ordering system automatically re-estimates your estimated delivery
date, and it will be later than the estimate you have already
received.

On the date of dispatch, you will receive an e-mail message
confirming the date, contents, and method of delivery.

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.co.uk.

Warmest regards

Sundararaman Kandasamy
Customer Service
Amazon.co.uk

Note the phrase “Dear Customer” and the other obvious mail-merging of my order number. It’s these kind of personal touches that really make a difference in customer relations. That and the fact that there were some specific queries in the email I sent them which have been completely ignored. I also like the warning that I shouldn’t modify my order in any way. It would have been nice to have had this earlier, BEFORE THEY DELAYED MY ORDER BY A MONTH.

I found a phone number for them on the web today. We’ll see what develops.

You couldn’t make it up.

Posted by Simes at 6:41 pm
Nov 292005

Just got this in my work email:

Reminder:
Personal Branding & Christmas Market on December 1, 2005

Learn what your personal presentation says about you and how to build a powerful ‘personal brand’ to positively influence your career advancement and maximise your impact on clients and management. And get some early Christmas shopping in too!

The London Network is hosting evening designed to inform and engage you in image and perception from leading image consultancy CMB Corporate. The 17:15 session is now oversubscribed but there are still available places for the 18:15 thirty-minute session in the auditorium — click on the button to register your attendance.

I don’t think I have ever heard of anything so hollow and soulless as the concept of a “personal brand”. And I have heard some pretty goddamn hollow soulless bullshit in my time.

The Latest Twist

Posted by Simes at 11:50 am
Oct 182005

Ian (colleague, has not yet received an amendment or indeed an extension on his current contract) phones Phil at the agency, who is both his agent and mine, to ask what’s going on with this amendment business.

Phil says “I don’t know anything about that, you’d have to speak to my manager.”

Fair enough, you might think, unless you’d seen the name and signature on the bottom of my amendment…

You seriously couldn’t make this shit up.

For Your Consideration…

Posted by Simes at 12:27 am
Oct 182005

Here is the body text of a document I received through the post this weekend. I present it here, and my response to it, for your consideration (emphasis mine):

…the Contractor shall be required to make themselves available to perform the Services as and when required by the Client in an arrangement known as “Standby”. Where the Contractor is required to be on Standby at the instruction of the Client, the Company shall pay the Contractor a fixed fee known as the “Standby Fee” of 1 hour multiplied by the Contractor’s standard hourly rate. For Contractor’s (sic) on a daily rate, this shall be a calculated hourly rate of the daily rate divided by 7.5 hours. The Standby Fee will be based on sessions; one session will be applicable to any period of time outside normal hours of work, ie 09:00 to 17:30, Monday to Friday. At weekends and Bank Holidays, one session will be applicable to each non-working day, ie 00:00 to 23:59. If the Contractor is then required to perform services at the request of the Client, whilst the Contractor is on Standby, the Contractor will be paid for the actual hours worked. For the avoidance of doubt, the Contractor shall be paid both the Standby Fee and for the actual hours worked in these circumstances.

In summary:

“The client has absolute power over your free time, and can demand that you sit by the phone for an entire weekend – all 48 hours – in exchange for two hours’ rates.”

Nice of them to get the word “request” instead of “instruction” in at the end there. Maybe they missed that one in proofreading.


You can probably predict the nature of my response, but I include it here anyway, for completeness:

I was somewhat surprised to have this drop through my door on Saturday morning, particularly as that was how I discovered that there were any plans at all to amend my contract. Having checked with several of the team today, it seems that they were just as surprised as I was to have received their own copy of this document.

Upon actually reading it, of course, my surprise rapidly turned to disgust. I find it hard to believe that Penta would have agreed on my behalf to such an insultingly low weekend standby rate, and yet here is the evidence in front of me in black and white. On top of that this document gives the client absolute power over my free time, and my response to *that* is probably best left unsaid.

*If* I wanted to work the weekends, which I don’t, but if I did, this is the kind of thing I would expect: A standby rate of 0.5x my usual rate for normal office hours, and 1.5x my usual rate for outside of those hours, and for any hours worked, 1.5x my usual rate on top of that. Because if I’m going to be giving up my weekend it had damn well better be worth my while.

And that brings us on to the word “require”. There is no way I’m signing up to anything where I am “required” to work weekends. Even if the wording was “requested” instead, there is no indication of the amount of notice the client is required to give me.

I thought the purpose of an agency was to work on behalf of both the client *and* the contractor? After all, it’s my rates you’re taking a percentage from. With the arrival of this document I have to wonder what it is I’m actually paying you for.

Needless to say, I will not be signing this amendment. I look forward to an explanation as to how things even got this far.

Simon Brown
Vector Solutions Ltd.

Avoid Like The Plague

Posted by Simes at 3:53 pm
Sep 132005

So, here is my capsule review of Farstone GameDrive, a product which promises rather more than it delivers.

It promises that you will be able to take images of your game CDs and mount them on a virtual CD drive so that you can play your games without needing to keep a load of CDs lying around.

It delivers a completely screwed-up OS, which nothing short of a complete reinstall will fix.

Good points: None.
Bad points: TOTAL BASTARDS.

My rating: 0/10.

Hanging On The Telephone

Posted by Simes at 1:30 pm
Aug 012005

Ye Saga Continuef.

  • The phone number on caller ID for my flat does not correspond to the phone number BT gave me for the reconnect. I don’t think much of it, assuming that it will be changed over in a few days, until:
  • PlusNet tell me that the number I’ve given them to connect ADSL to does not correspond to the address I’ve given them. They give me the postcode given them by BT. I check it on the Royal Mail web site. It doesn’t exist.
  • I phone BT and talk to them about the reconnect and the weird numberiness. During the ensuing conversation, two facts emerge:
    • The number BT are attempting to reconnect has been disused for over six months, which is why they wanted to have an engineer look at it;
    • The number for the phone line I am actually using, which is not the same, has not been allocated to me because the last person to use it didn’t tell BT they were moving out.

So things have now been rearranged. They are not now going to attempt to reconnect the disused line, mainly because I have no idea where it goes. They will instead allocate that number to the line I currently have. They can’t do this without notification from the previous person that they’re happy to have their account closed, and so I must either find an old bill with their account number on it or they send out a letter and wait seven working days for a response.

My tip: never, ever move house.

Moved

Posted by Simes at 1:20 pm
Jul 252005

I am now ensconced in my new flat, which despite my panic seems to be about the same size as the old one, and therefore capable of holding all of the stuff I’ve crammed into it.

No internet, though. Telewest apparently don’t have a cable to the building, and so I couldn’t move my cable broadband. I have ordered DSL, but it looks like I won’t have it for at least two weeks. TWO WEEKS!

I don’t know if I can cope.

Kept Awake

Posted by Simes at 12:40 am
Jul 052005

It must surely be legal to kill people who’ve got their stereo blasting away at 00:30 on a work night.

Surely?

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